It’s 1:00 AM. Must be time to bitch about Phil Coke.

Don’t bother reading this. It’s honestly nothing more than me ranting like a crazyperson. I just needed to vomit this out.

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How do you solve a problem like Raburn?

(Sung to the tune of “How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria,” from The Sound of Music.)

Some Tigers fans think Ryan Raburn should be designated for assignment. They’d rather risk giving him up for nothing than keeping him on the team and hoping for the best. It’s the only logical thing to do, obviously, since Raburn isn’t known for having ridiculously hot second halves or anything.

Oh, wait.

My solution is obvious: Brennan Boesch is a streaky first half player and Ryan Raburn is a streaky second half player. Find out a way to combine them into one player to maximize their talents. Therefore, you have Boesch’s first half and Raburn’s second half– in one guy! They’re the perfect player!

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Game 62: RAGE REDUX!

Leadoff triple stranded.

Check.

Leadoff double stranded.

Check.

Good friggin’ job, guys. You should be proud of yourselves. Tonight, they’re 0-for-7 with runners in scoring position.

At least that extra base hit streak is still alive, amirite?

* * *

Oh hey, the Mariners had a runner in scoring position and he just scored. Will you look at that!

* * *

This feels like one of those games the Tigers of April/May would not be able to come back to win.

I don’t think I’ve quite gotten out of that “DOOM DOOM DOOM!” mindset, and maybe for good reason, from the looks of this game.

* * *

ALEX AVILA SHOULD BE AN ALL STAR.

If they strand him at third, they are going to die.

* * *

Don Kelly didn’t want to die, so he singled in Avila. Tigers take the lead, and I am astonished we are no longer losing.

* * *

BOESCH TOOK FISTER DEEP TO RIGHT.

Let’s see how many innuendo-laden comments I can make about Doug Fister now.

Game 57: RAGE!

If I never see another bunt with a runner in scoring position, I will be a happy woman.

Jim Leyland, there is already a fucking runner in scoring position. You do not need to bunt to increase your chances of scoring. A base hit will probably score him. The bunt is superfluous.

* * *

The lack of base hits with runners in scoring position– off two struggling White Sox pitchers, no less– makes me want to smash things into tiny pieces with a sledgehammer, throw those tiny pieces into a blender, make a smoothie from those tiny pieces (with some chunks of frozen dog crap to add flavor) and then force the people I am raging at to choke it down.

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Panic time, panic time, excellent, excellent.

Except, you know, not. Because we’re only four games into the new season and there’s no need to press the panic button just yet. Sure, there’s reason for concern but it’s a long season.

Why should we be concerned, though?

– THE PITCHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT THIS TEAM AND THEY’VE BEEN GODAWFUL.
– THE OFFENSE IS GODAWFUL.
– THE KANSAS CITY ROYALS ARE IN FIRST PLACE.

Why shouldn’t we be concerned?

It’s April 6th. (Also, the Playing the Right Way™ Minnesota Twins are only 2-3. So, you know. Calm yo tits.)

In other, non-ranty news, I will be at Opening Day. Look for pictures and possibly video sometime soon.

Also I was going to go all FJM on that TJ Simers “piece” on Marcus Thames, but my brain started hurting at the stupidity and I gave up.

This is why we can’t have nice things, Jim Leyland.

The Tigers lost a game they should have won because Valverde threw SIXTY goddamn pitches last night. SIXTY.

And now you can probably add both Perry and Coke to the list of relievers who won’t be available for Sunday’s game. All because Jim Leyland left Valverde in Friday’s game in hopes of his arm falling off, apparently.

Good job, Leyland. *slow sarcastic golf clap*