A couple years ago, when the Tigers were shaping up to be a mediocre team—though with a well-outside shot at being juuuuust good enough to eke into a Wild Card race—I got hammered on twitter by a vocal segment of fans for “rooting against the best interests of the team” because I wasn’t actively clamoring for losses.

I was just trying to set them up to fail! I wasn’t a good fan! I didn’t know baseball! If I really knew baseball/cared about the Tigers/was a good fan/etc., I’d be praying for the team to tank so they’d get a better draft pick! Apparently I wielded a great amount of power over the team on the field! Wish I’d only realized this sooner so I could have turned them into a World Series winner.

Now, I’m not saying I fail to see the benefit in “tanking,” by any means. Sometimes, it’s far more advantageous for a team to just be really bad as opposed to mediocre. We’ve been saying that about the Red Wings for a couple years now.

However, I like winning. I like not being bad. I like having fun. Losing, especially prolonged periods of losing? It sucks. It’s not fun at all. I’ve endured it already—decades of it—in my 20+ years as a Tigers fan. All those miserable years when the Tigers were the laughingstock of baseball? Not fun at all.

“It will just make the return to competitiveness that much more satisfying!” Buddy, I lived through 2003-2006. I know what that feels like. I really don’t care to go through that kind of abject misery again just to know winning is satisfying. I don’t need to be reminded of how unenjoyable terrible baseball is so that I can properly appreciate a winning team.

I want the Tigers to keep winning games because winning is fun and I like having fun. Simple as that.

Also, if they keep winning, fans’ heads will explode and that’s always fun too.

your unrealistic trade proposals suck

It’s that time of the year when fans throw out however many trade proposals they can, no matter how unrealistic they might be and without regard to the teams’ needs.

The Braves want outfielders for Prado and/or Jurrjens, so hay Tigers, just give them Dirks and Raburn! Git ‘r done, Dumbrowski!!

Or, hay the As want middle infielders so just trade them Danny Worth, Will Rhymes, and Don Kelly for Gio Gonzalez right nao!

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In the words of Torii Hunter: That was stupid. It was all stupid. Everybody was stupid.

So, that game. Weaver almost upstaged the Weaver/Verlander pitchers’ duel all on his own.

I really do think Ordoñez was checking to see if his homerun ball was fair or foul, but Guillén and Weaver both acted like asses, imo.

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  1. Get on Twitter.
  2. Tweet at everyone and their mother (including OFFICIAL_TIGERS) about what an embarrassment the team is.
  3. Lash out and attack the fans who aren’t panicking yet.
  4. Propose ridiculous trades that will bring back little to no value just for the sake of making a ridiculous trade.
  5. Stock up on liquids and toilet paper.
  6. Kill your neighbor and steal his valuables.
  7. Call in to the sports and talk radio stations to rant and rave.
  8. Vow to stop watching the Tigers.
  9. Give up on said vow to not watch the Tigers because you can’t stay away. Liken this to an abusive relationship in which you’re the battered woman even though that analogy sucks balls and is offensive to people in actual abusive relationships.
  10. Make yourself feel better about the team being hilariously inconsistent in a mediocre division by claiming “they’re the worst team in the division,” “they don’t care anymore,” “Cleveland wants the division more,” “Cabrerra must be drunk again,” etc. etc. until sane Tigers fans block you out (and/or block you on Twitter).
  11. Conveniently forget that these so-called legendary second half collapses are most likely due to fluke or happenstance and/or occurred because various things went wrong at the worst possible time.
  12. Also conveniently forget the Tigers had their best winning percentage of ’09 in August, September, and October while the Twins reeled off a crazy 17-4 run. The month that killed them was a subpar July. But never mind that, THEY HAD A LEAD, THEY LOST IT, HENCE COLLAPSE!!!!!!

Now that that’s out of my system: IT’S BEEN TWO FRIGGIN GAMES. CALM YOUR COLLECTIVE TITS, TIGERS FANDOM, JESUS CHRIST. I’m half tempted to post screencaps of the most ridiculous Tigers-related tweets I’ve ever seen.

No it’s not a great time to struggle, especially not when the majority of fans pretty much expect failure in the second half now, but seriously. IT’S ONLY BEEN TWO GAMES. THE SKY IS NOT FALLING, THE SEASON IS NOT OVER, WE ARE STILL IN THIS.

For all you people freaking out and losing your shit over a two game losing streak out of the All-Star Break: DID YOU EVEN EXIST IN 2003??? TRY NINE GAME AND EIGHT GAME LOSING STREAKS BROKEN UP BY ONE PIDDLY WIN.

I feel better now.

It’s 1:00 AM. Must be time to bitch about Phil Coke.

Don’t bother reading this. It’s honestly nothing more than me ranting like a crazyperson. I just needed to vomit this out.

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Game 66: The Tigers Offense Hates Phil Coke

Prior to tonight’s game, the Tigers offense averaged 3.64 runs per game in Coke’s starts and 2.3 runs when he’s actually pitching– tied for worst in the AL. (h/t Fire Gerald Laird.)

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Everything sucked tonight. Defense, offense (minus a Don Kelly (???!!!) homerun), pitching. All of it. It sucked.

Now I’m going to complain about the people complaining about Phil Coke being in the rotation.

I apologize for this post not being funny and/or abusrd.

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Game 57: RAGE!

If I never see another bunt with a runner in scoring position, I will be a happy woman.

Jim Leyland, there is already a fucking runner in scoring position. You do not need to bunt to increase your chances of scoring. A base hit will probably score him. The bunt is superfluous.

* * *

The lack of base hits with runners in scoring position– off two struggling White Sox pitchers, no less– makes me want to smash things into tiny pieces with a sledgehammer, throw those tiny pieces into a blender, make a smoothie from those tiny pieces (with some chunks of frozen dog crap to add flavor) and then force the people I am raging at to choke it down.

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