Cats With Bats is proud to present an exclusive(ish) interview with Twitter’s own (sort of) Fake Boesch! If you’d like to see more of him—sorry, no nude pics this time, guys—read on!
If you were stranded on a desert island with Ryan Raburn and Delmon Young, who would you cannibalize first and why?
lmao like, eat them? well delmon’s dark meat, and that’s better obv lmao, and he’s fat. raburn prolly knows how to cook a human lmao
Who isn’t a pussy?
um, me and miggy and prince, even tho prince going vegan for a while makes him a p big pussy, imo. plus he did it for his wife, lmao
Have you nailed Kate Upton too?
nope, i don’t do that shit. dirks tried to do it, and justin found out and got like 16 people to beat his ass. which is why he was on the dl with an “achilles” injury lmao. it really was a bruised pussy
What is that green square-shaped patch of grass in the outfield really for? Is it a trap door to your secret lair?
me and heather nabozny go under there and play cards, talk about family and friends. i eat thanksgiving there every year, shes a really close friend. in years prior, we accessed it via an underground lair, we had to move it to there to avoid suspicion. it’s so I know where it is.
What is your favorite alcoholic beverage?
bud light lime chased with a shot of 1800. so incomprehensibly smooth.
Who do you model your game after?
considering my recent lack of success? delmon young, lol. :(
Are you DadBoner?
no way. he’s a huge pussy. first i’m hearing of him. ponytail? earring? middle aged white dude shitting behind a dumpster at work. divorced his wife. always drinking busch. sounds like a loser, but
probably similar to me. karl’s middle aged crisis is hurting his family.
Has Leyland ever reprimanded you for things you’ve said on Twitter?
no, leyland has literally never seen the internet. plus it says “fake” boesch so they don’t think it’s me lmao
Would you wear Leyland’s underwear?
jesus fucking christ are you serious, wtf, lmao, that dude’s underwear is a literal blight on humanity. i srs think it’s like forged from the dead skin of the cutest animals to ever live, who were brought back to life, tortured, and skinned alive
How do you keep your hair looking so good?
I didn’t know it looked good, thanks. I have a stylist — Vesuvio. I see him every week. Pay him 30k a visit, too, cause I can.
Have you ever actually eaten Fenway feces nachos?
Dude, lmao, yeah. They’re rly tasty and they make them good somehow I dunno lmao
What do you attribute your recent struggles to?
Getting serious eh? Well, I don’t know. Pressing at the plate. I miss my family, my daughters, my wife..it’s hard to concentrate at your craft when you’re crushingly depressed and want to die.
What do you think about young female fans who are only into you
because of your dashing good looks?
that’s cool, I guess. Female fans need an ancillary interest to get into the game, and if you can attract them with appearance, that’s good. typical females though, interested in just the surface of a person, and not their actual personality. I’m not a sex figure, I won’t date you, I won’t marry you. I’d love to talk to you, though.
What precipitated the recent change in tone on your Twitter account?
Well, I felt it was time to stop lying to myself. I’ve been crying every day — I’m just now honest about it, because that’s the path to recovery, as @iamaphextwin said on twitter to me today. It’s been lovely to see the support I’m getting — I love you guys. Boo me if you want, but I’m trying.
If you had to choose between eternal bliss in the arms of your beloved or kicking Hawk Harrelson in the balls once without repercussions, what would you choose?
I’ve already had bliss in the arms of my beloved. It’s gone, but I had it. It could never be eternal, so I reject the question on that logic alone. But kicking Hawk Harrelson in the nuts? Shit, that’s eternal. I’d choose that, no fucking question.
What do you have against relaxing?
What impression did you get that I was against it? I don’t get to relax much, due to my job. I relish it, though.
What do you have to say to the people who attack you daily on Twitter?
What can I say? they’re pussies on the level of Andy Dirks. They can hate on me if they want, but they’re just showing their own insecurities. It’s alright, anyone who wants to can send me a DM. I’ve been on that edge. I’ve been there. I’ve contemplated jumping. I backed away, and it’s not because of god, or any intervention, it’s because I realized there’s more to all of this than an outcome of good or bad. Grey areas are where we find our lives, where we live day to day, and you can’t neglect that.
Do you have any advice for kids out there who play ball and kind of suck at it?
Yeah, keep at it. You’re not good enough to play in the Majors — reconcile that. So few of us are. Look at me, I was the best player on every team I’ve ever been on until I became a pro. Just love the game, man. Love it. Nurture it. It will love you back. You can only do it so long. Take any opportunity, any role, and position you can get. Because it ends, and you can’t get it back.
Who is your inspiration?
My inspiration is the kids who go out there every day with more courage than me, the kids who have a smile on their face despite their parents leaving them, or not caring, or pushing them too hard and screw up their childhood. My inspiration is people worse off with me who have better attitudes. Also, dudes fucking girls with fat titties, because I love big titties. Fuck.
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
I’d like him to forgive me for all I’ve done wrong, and invite me into heaven. I’d probably think it was some LSD dream though, because lately, Santiago’s been lacing drinks with LSD in here. The other day Ron Gardenhire looked like a fully cooked thanksgiving turkey. I know he normally resembles that, but I could smell it, man.
Thanks to FakeBoesch for taking time out of his busy schedule to do this Q & A. If you want more of Fake Boesch—and how could you not?!—check out his tumblr, as well.