It’s time for that age-old tradition: bad Photo Day roster shots!
If you’re anything like me, you wait with bated breath for Photo Day to roll along. Inevitably, almost every picture will be godawful, and you get a great sense of schadenfreude as you gleefully pick apart all the flaws of your favorite ballplayers (which have been magnified by the camera lens for your viewing pleasure). :D
Admittedly, the Tigers’ shots aren’t as bad as some teams’ (such as the San Francisco Giants, who apparently conducted their shoot in the basement of an insane asylum, complete with asylum residents), but there are still gems to be had!
Al Alburquerque’s come-hither stare is doing things to me. But still, this is inappropriate for Photo Day. Save it for the bedroom, Al.
Alex Avila was clean-shaven when he got to the ballpark that morning, true story. I really think he’s a werewolf.
I think it’s safe to say Mr. Balester is a ginger, and you know what they say about gingers. Kids who have Gingervitis cannot be cured.
y so srs? I think Duane Below drew the short straw today.
Joaquín Benoit is about one brow hair shy of a unibrow.
The look on his face says, “I just farted and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”
This is the happiest I’ve seen Cabrera since that mugshot. Too soon?
I think it’s safe to say Nick Castellanos is a puppy that will grow into his body. Hopefully. If not, God help us all.
Audy Ciriaco’s right eye is kind of meandering away from the rest of his face. He doesn’t seem to mind, at least.
Phil Coke looks like he’s about one second away from hurling all over the floor. Cleanup in aisle six!
Holy shit, he looks like Cameron Diaz.
It would be really easy to make a joke about the giant zit on Argenis Diaz’ forehead. Really, really easy.
The man, the myth, the legend: Ondy-Der! He looks like a turtle about to retreat back into his shell.
You guys, Prince showed up stoned again.
Doug Fister looks like he’s plotting something. Probably where to bury the body of the person Justin Verlander just killed.
This really isn’t a remarkable Photo Day shot. He’s just here because his last name is Head. Teeheehee.
There is something wrong with his face. Oh wait, that’s just his face.
Austin Jackson struck out three times during this photoshoot alone.
Behind that friendly smile lurks a cold-blooded killer!!
Gerald Laird was made specifically for Photo Day. José Valverde might be Big Potato, but Gerald Laird is the living embodiment of Mr. Potato Head.
Every time I see Gene Lamont, I think of the Penguin.
Jim Leyland looks great for an 87-year-old. Sucks for him that he’s only 67.
He’s definitely a Leyland. Just needs a thick walrus mustache and a cigarette between his lips. And about 87 years’ worth of wrinkles.
Is James McCann really tan or does he have eczema, or something?
Andy Oliver has taken on the role of the embalming victim, apparently. Waxy and lifeless, check!
At first I thought this was Al Aburquerque and got very confused, but it’s not. It’s José Ortega. You could slice cheese on them cheekbones, tho.
“How you doin’?”
David Pauley cries himself to sleep every night thinking Jim Leyland has forgotten that he exists
If you crack Jhonny Peralta’s head open, candy will come out.
Rick Porcello looks like he’s on the verge of tears. Did the photographer kick his puppy or something?
This is an improvement on Ryan Raburn’s previous years’ shots, unfortunately. Here, he just looks stoned, as opposed to embalmed.
Omir Santos’ carefully groomed eyebrows and stenciled ten o’clock shadow beard scream “gay nightclub!” to me for some reason. I don’t know why.
There’s really nothing I can say about Max Scherzer’s roster pic that 1.) hasn’t already been said and b.) isn’t a cheap joke at the expense of his eyes.
Drew Smyly’s face is lopsided. Did he recently have a stroke?
I say this every time I see a shot of Clete Thomas, but he really looks like one of those Japanese anime characters with the giant eyes. Protip: Don’t google “Japanese anime.” Just don’t do it.
Jacob Turner’s looking kind of like Kenneth from 30 Rock here. I can’t be the only one who sees it!
He does kind of look like a giant potato stuffed into a baseball uniform, when you really think about it.
If I say anything bad, he’ll probably eat my soul.
Adam Wilk looks like a bird. A bird with a slight underbite. These shots really don’t do these guys any favors. Should of Instagrammed them.
Does Delmon Young always look this stiff and bloated? (#TWSS)
So, there you have it! Another year of bad Photo Day shots, picked apart and “analyzed,” hopefully for your amusement! If you have hatemail for me, just leave it in the comments and I’ll get to it eventually.
If you want to see some truly funny Photo Day snark, head on over to Blue Cats and Red Sox and check out 2005’s Fun With Roster Photos.