Cats With Bats is excite to present an exclusive interview with Twitter’s own Fake Leyland!
20 Questions With Fake Leyland!!
If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only take three things with you, what would you take?
I’d bring my wife. I’d bring a fungo bat so I can hit mangoes around. And I’d bring a cigarette factory. That counts as a thing, right?
How many Gene Lamonts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Well…shit. Gene’s not usually very handy, so probably quite a few. I usually just let him wave over the ladder. He’s better at that.
If a tree falls in a forest but no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
Well, I think so. It fell, didn’t it? Did Beck come up with this question? I’m not afraid to yell at him again if he did.
If someone offered you $1 million to kill anyone in the world, a.) would you do it and b.) who would you kill?
I wouldn’t do it, because they pay me that much a year to put up with Inge. But if I did, I’d kill Ron Gardenhire, even though I don’t think he actually has a soul. I’d just kill the Twins as a whole.
If you could be any breed of dog, what would you be and why?
Uh… well. Something strong, I guess. That looks good in a pair of sunglasses. So I’d say a sheepdog.
If you could trade one of your kids in for another World Series championship, would you do it? If so, which kid?
No, but if Jack Zdurwhatshisfuck is reading this, I’d trade Patrick for Felix Hernandez. Dave will call you in the morning.
Are you and Tony La Russa actually friends, or would you say you’re more like frenemies?
Tony and I are friends. He taught me everything I know about managing my bullpen and bunting. Especially bunting.
What’s wrong with @PhilCokesBrain?
Where do I start? Half the reason we moved him back to the goddamned bullpen was because he wouldn’t shut up. I mean, he’s a damn good pitcher, but if I hear him tell another dirty joke while I’m trying to call a hit and run or something I’ll fucking smack him.
What is your favorite chick flick?
The Notebook? Everyone says The Notebook, right? Does Hannah Montana count as a chick flick? Oh, I know. Ben-Hur.
What is your favorite pizza topping?
Pepperoni. Mushrooms. Ash.
What are your thoughts on whippernsappers? Ne’er-do-wells?
I really don’t care what people do unless they come to games and heckle me. After that, don’t fault me if I tell one of my batters to accidentally hit a line drive foul right into their section. It don’t hurt anybody, but it wakes em up.
Do you think Jeremy Bonderman will ever develop that changeup?
Well, he might, he might not. I can’t say right now, but I’ll tell you, he’s competitive. He might suck but he battles his ass off.
Nate Robertson just signed with the Cubs. What is your favorite Nate Robertson memory (if you have any)?
I remember that one time he accidentally spit gum all over me in 2006. Actually, that was pretty awful, but I remember it. Good thing the cameras were off because I almost beat his ass.
How do you think Miguel Cabrera will adjust to playing third base?
He’ll be fine. I mean, he’s gonna work at it, but we won with Wilson Betemit down there. You know, what’s the worst that could happen?
Isn’t Rick Porcello sooo cute?
I looked like that when I was his age, you know. With a mustache. It was like the love child of Tom Selleck and Chuck Norris.
Have you ever been arrested? What for?
Nope. I’m a law-abiding citizen. I almost ran Inge over with my car once because he’s small and I didn’t see him, though.
Why did they make you stop wearing metal spikes in the dugout?
Because if Verlander tried to hot foot me, I’d probably start kicking wildly and spike someone in the face. Safety hazard.
Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
Dead, I hope. If I look this bad at 67, I’d hate to see myself at 87. Jesus, they’d have to lock me in a darkroom.
What is your favorite curse word?
Horseshit. It’s like shit but on an even bigger, more shitty scale. And it rolls off the tongue.
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
“You have a fucking badass mustache, my son.”