The existence of this post can be blamed on my dear friend rebexarama, so if your tender sensibilities are offended by the contents under the cut, go seek her out and yell at her.
This also has little to do with baseball.
These are all circa 2003.
Here are a few of my favorite bad screenplay ideas:
I Think Matthew Perry Already Did This One
A divorced shortstop joins a gay baseball team and tried to lead them to the championship. A gay friend had referred him to the gay team’s straight manager when their regular gay shortstop gets hurt. The straight shortstop has to pretend he’s really gay, and conceal his attraction to the team’s female head trainer. Only the manager and his friend know the truth about his sexuality.
Daniel Vachon grows up worshipping the legendary Montréal Canadiens goalie, David St. Germaine. Daniel thinks St. Germaine can do no wrong. He winds up being traded from his team (Anaheim) to Montréal to be St. Germaine’s backup. He thinks his dream has come true.
Turns out St. Germaine is a drunk who verbally and physically assaults his wife and teenage daughter, and neglects his infant son.
Daniel’s wife Melanie is unhappy in Montréal, and they begin to have marital problems. Daniel ignores the fact his marriage is crumbling by pouring himself 100% into hockey, and his “friendship” with his mentor. He starts to fall into the same lifestyle as his idol.
St. Germaine’s wife, Vanessa, befriends Melanie. Vanessa has an ulterior motive to befriending Melanie though.
Melanie starts an affair with one of Daniel’s teammates. Then Daniel and Melanie’s young son starts acting out in school, and becoming a nuisance.
Vanessa uses the knowledge of Melanie’s affair to her advantage, and manipulates her.
Daniel slowly grows to resent the St. Germaines and his own wife.
Then Daniel’s son gets in trouble at school for hitting another child.
Rochelle, the St. Germaines’ teenage daughter, runs away with a boy from her high school. St. Germaine leaves the team to deal with her disappearance, which makes Daniel the starter.
Melanie makes plans to go back to California with their son. Daniel attempts to reconnect with her and Christian, their son.
Meanwhile, St. Germaine’s family life continues to disintegrate. Vanessa tries to seduce Daniel and use Melanie’s affair against her. Daniel refuses to believe her.
Tensions grow between St. Germaine and Daniel (maybe I should change their names so they’re not so similar and I can stop referring to him as St. Germaine). They fight during practice.
Rochelle comes home after a week or so at a friend’s house.
St. Germaine has a meltdown and pulls a gun on Daniel at a dinner between their two families.
Daniel tries to calm him down and then St. Germaine turns the gun on himself before turning it on Vanessa.
Turns out David Jr. is Daniel’s son from a one-night stand he had with Vanessa, when he was on a road trip with his old team. St. Germaine found out and rallied to bring Daniel to Montréal to be his backup and ruin his life.
Daniel and St. Germaine wrestle over the gun. It goes off and someone is shot.
Picks up a few months later. St. Germaine was arrested and is in jail. He and Vanessa are in the process of getting divorced. Rochelle is thinking of getting emancipated from her parents.
Daniel is now Montréal’s starter. He and Melanie are still rebuilding their relationship and are expecting another child. Christian is starting to adjust.
The Canadiens bring up a young goalie to back up Daniel. He idolizes him and Daniel worries about their relationship and whether or not his protégé is obsessed. Does the cycle start over again? Or is Daniel just paranoid?
Girl in the MLB Story
This is before I learned MLB has a ban against women playing affiliated baseball. >:(
A female college pitcher named Drew is signed by the struggling Tigers as a marketing gimmick and assigned to their minor league team. She turns out to be better than they expected, though, and surprisingly rises through the minor league system.
She encounters bias, hatred, and jealousy from some of her minor league teammates, who think they’re being passed over in favor of her. She proves she belongs on the team, though, and eventually gets called up to pitch for the Tigers after one of the starters gets hurt.
She encounters resistance from one of the team’s veterans, a journeyman named Doug Schiavone who thinks she’s undeserving of her promotion.
Schiavone confronts her in the lockerroom after one of the games, and one of her new teammates comes to her defense. Schiavone gets released.
Drew struggles her first few games and the media lambastes the team. The fans are upset and confused. The opposing teams think she’s a joke.
She starts pitching better, though, and people slowly begin to get on her side.
Some opponents are surprised that she isn’t afraid to brush guys back. She gets charged a few times.
The Tigers have a good season and make the playoffs for the first time in years. She is called on to pitch from the bullpen.
Ed.: I actually had a side character in this hot mess named Bill Assenmacher. No lie.
Jacob Weller is the star shortstop for the LA Dodgers, and the current face of Major League Baseball. What will they do when they learn their stud player isn’t as ‘normal’ as he seems? What lengths will Jake go to preserve his image and ensure his secret never gets out? Murder?
Ed.: Honestly, I know this sounds like another “gay player in the MLB” story, but actually he was, like, a serial killer or something. lol. I realized that would be hard to conceal if people died every time his team was in town, so I abandoned the idea. :P
Soylent Green Ha Ha
A prison decides to solve its overcrowding problems in a very unique way—turning its inmates into food.
Ed.: Um, yeah.