HOW TO SURVIVE THE DETROIT TIGERS’ ANNUAL SECOND HALF COLLAPSAPOCALYPSE

  1. Get on Twitter.
  2. Tweet at everyone and their mother (including OFFICIAL_TIGERS) about what an embarrassment the team is.
  3. Lash out and attack the fans who aren’t panicking yet.
  4. Propose ridiculous trades that will bring back little to no value just for the sake of making a ridiculous trade.
  5. Stock up on liquids and toilet paper.
  6. Kill your neighbor and steal his valuables.
  7. Call in to the sports and talk radio stations to rant and rave.
  8. Vow to stop watching the Tigers.
  9. Give up on said vow to not watch the Tigers because you can’t stay away. Liken this to an abusive relationship in which you’re the battered woman even though that analogy sucks balls and is offensive to people in actual abusive relationships.
  10. Make yourself feel better about the team being hilariously inconsistent in a mediocre division by claiming “they’re the worst team in the division,” “they don’t care anymore,” “Cleveland wants the division more,” “Cabrerra must be drunk again,” etc. etc. until sane Tigers fans block you out (and/or block you on Twitter).
  11. Conveniently forget that these so-called legendary second half collapses are most likely due to fluke or happenstance and/or occurred because various things went wrong at the worst possible time.
  12. Also conveniently forget the Tigers had their best winning percentage of ’09 in August, September, and October while the Twins reeled off a crazy 17-4 run. The month that killed them was a subpar July. But never mind that, THEY HAD A LEAD, THEY LOST IT, HENCE COLLAPSE!!!!!!

Now that that’s out of my system: IT’S BEEN TWO FRIGGIN GAMES. CALM YOUR COLLECTIVE TITS, TIGERS FANDOM, JESUS CHRIST. I’m half tempted to post screencaps of the most ridiculous Tigers-related tweets I’ve ever seen.

No it’s not a great time to struggle, especially not when the majority of fans pretty much expect failure in the second half now, but seriously. IT’S ONLY BEEN TWO GAMES. THE SKY IS NOT FALLING, THE SEASON IS NOT OVER, WE ARE STILL IN THIS.

For all you people freaking out and losing your shit over a two game losing streak out of the All-Star Break: DID YOU EVEN EXIST IN 2003??? TRY NINE GAME AND EIGHT GAME LOSING STREAKS BROKEN UP BY ONE PIDDLY WIN.

I feel better now.

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